Today is good enough

I created this blog a long time ago so that I could write down how having BPD has affected and continues to affect my life. Like most people with BPD I've been waiting for the perfect time to start it - a really fab day, a really sucky day or just an event that I thought would be the perfect first post. Of course the first two happen on a daily basis and the third is never going to happen, such is the life of a Borderline, such is my life.

Being Borderline is very rarely easy, I wanted to say never but there are some days where my mood is stable and incidents are benign but these days are few and far between. For me being Borderline means:
Feeling different from everyone else
Feeling like I have never fit in
Being a perfectionist
Intense feelings of anger, happiness, loneliness, fear, anxiety
Black and white thinking - all or nothing, rarely seeing the shades
Thinking everyone else has a perfect happy life
Frequently wanting to end my life
Feeling disliked and unloved by people in my life
Not having a sense of self - not knowing who I am or what I want
Needing new things all the time to distract me or make me feel happy
Feeling that who I am, what I do is never good enough
Having low self esteem/confidence
Being unable to accept love
Hurting other people when I'm hurting
Feeling awkward and out of place in social situations

There is more and I will add to the list as I remember them.

So here I sit at 1:30am wide awake after spending most of the day in bed - again.  During the day all I want to do is sleep, so of course I'm wide awake at night. But I prefer the night, the quiet, everyone else in bed, having the house to myself. I'm calmer at night, there is no-one to upset me and I can be alone with my thoughts, although that is not always a good thing. It gives me time to dwell on whatever it is that is troubling me.

Today and for the last few days I've been thinking of returning to Perth where my family is, I have a plan and in my mind it will work. Move in with my Mum and her husband, the boys can go to the school just around the corner, I will be a great Mum and spend loads more time with them, I will have time to do my craft and makes heaps of money selling what I make at the local markets, I will have heaps of time to catch up with old friends. The boys will see their cousins and the rest of the family so much more. The reason I want to move is I'm feeling so lonely where we live now, we aren't making much money, I can't see us being able to buy a property and live our dream. If we moved in with Mum we could save money and hopefully be able to buy some property in a couple of years. I think it's a good plan. No-one else knows about the plan except for TH (the husband), yesterday I told him I want to move back to Perth at the end of the year when the boys finish school. It's a good plan, it could work, maybe...


I'm a visual person so I plan to put three images at the end of each post -
one that says how I feel, one that inspires me to keep going and one picture or photo that makes me happy.

So there is my first post, I hope to blog daily so that I can keep a track of my moods and to help me remember what happens on a daily basis because there is so much that I forget and sometimes forgetting is good but sometimes I need to remember.