Fathers Day

So today is Fathers day and once again Husband has been left to get up with the boys as I couldn't drag myself out of bed. I know he gets frustrated and angry but most of the time it's not really my fault, is it? I know there are times I use my condition to my advantage -or that is how I think, but in reality could I really do it different... who knows.
Anyway he is napping this afternoon after taking the boys to the park while I slept in, then he plans to take the boys for a bike ride.

It's been a hectic week, I had a session on Wednesday with my mental health nurse (MHN) and he was totally shocked to see where I was and how far down I'd gone in the past 6 weeks. We talked about Electric Shock Therapy (EST) for the depression, he felt it was a bit drastic - I've always thought it would help but none of my Drs have been willing to prescribe it for me. I'm back on to 2 tablets of Duloxatine a day, hopefully after a few weeks I'll be feeling more stable. That combined with the iron infusion and hopefully I will have more energy soon. I live in hope - some days it's all I have.

Boy3 had another speech session on Thursday and did extremely well - saying words he hasn't said in the past and really surprising me and his therapist. I now have the paperwork to apply for a communication device for him, fingers crossed Variety will accept the application and we get one soon for the boy.
To get to his appointment we have to travel 50kms to the nearest big city, most of the time this is a bad thing for the bank balance as I go by myself and have free reign to spend what I want. This week presented me with a desk that was marked down and I was so tempted to buy it but instead of rushing to the checkout with it I stopped and thought about it: do I need it, can I make do with what I have or go to the tipshop and get something cheaper, can we make something etc. I'm glad to say I didn't buy it, as I've been thinking a lot lately about my carbon footprint and trying to cut down on the things I buy. I doubt I will ever stop buying craft things but if I cut down in other areas it's a good compromise.


Last night I went out with a friend who is having some marital problems, we had an awesome time just having a big verbal spew about our respective partners, a couple of drinks and lots of laughs. At first I didn't want to go but once I started getting ready I got excited about going out. At the end of the month my friends Husband is going away so we are going to have a drunken fun night at her place ! It will be fun.

So that's a summary of what has been happening this past few days.

I'm going to share a quote I read the other day that often sums up how I feel  -

From the outside looking in, you can never understand it

From the inside looking out, you can never explain it.

I found this Gothic Fairy image years ago on the net and one day I will get a tattoo similar to it. I love the way she is sitting, hiding but with her wings extended like she is afraid but has hope that one day she will use her wings.

FA xx

Friends

Nothing like watching re-runs of Friends to make me laugh. Gotta love Joey but I've always had a soft spot for Chandler, nothing sexier than a man with glasses...

Today I was ready to concur the world, I was a well known artist and singer, I had a gorgeous figure and designed and made all my own clothes. I was everything I wanted to be - a shame it was only in my mind.
Music does that for me. I've been listening to Lady Antebellum for the past few months and I am so in love with the music, the lyrics and what it makes me feel - free, happy, invincible. I'm sure it's having something to concentrate on that makes music so necessary, an essential part of my life.
I concurred the world from my big comfy recliner chair while having an iron infusion.

Today was an ok day. But once again it's after midnight and I'm still awake, I've only had about 2 hours sleep. However I am super excited about getting second row tickets to see Kasey Chambers and Shane Nicholson, it's something to look forward to and I'm going to use it as an incentive to lose weight. Last time I went to her concert I swore next time she toured I'd be thinner, so I have 3 months to see how much I can lose.

While my mind is clear I want to write down what I hope to achieve in the next month. I want to establish:
good eating habits
a daily diet plan
a daily exercise routine 
a daily routine for getting the house clean and organised
a daily record of how I'm feeling, so that I can keep track of moods and triggers (on track for this one)
a list of achievable goals

That'll do pig, that'll do. To bed I must go.

FA xx

Today is good enough

I created this blog a long time ago so that I could write down how having BPD has affected and continues to affect my life. Like most people with BPD I've been waiting for the perfect time to start it - a really fab day, a really sucky day or just an event that I thought would be the perfect first post. Of course the first two happen on a daily basis and the third is never going to happen, such is the life of a Borderline, such is my life.

Being Borderline is very rarely easy, I wanted to say never but there are some days where my mood is stable and incidents are benign but these days are few and far between. For me being Borderline means:
Feeling different from everyone else
Feeling like I have never fit in
Being a perfectionist
Intense feelings of anger, happiness, loneliness, fear, anxiety
Black and white thinking - all or nothing, rarely seeing the shades
Thinking everyone else has a perfect happy life
Frequently wanting to end my life
Feeling disliked and unloved by people in my life
Not having a sense of self - not knowing who I am or what I want
Needing new things all the time to distract me or make me feel happy
Feeling that who I am, what I do is never good enough
Having low self esteem/confidence
Being unable to accept love
Hurting other people when I'm hurting
Feeling awkward and out of place in social situations

There is more and I will add to the list as I remember them.

So here I sit at 1:30am wide awake after spending most of the day in bed - again.  During the day all I want to do is sleep, so of course I'm wide awake at night. But I prefer the night, the quiet, everyone else in bed, having the house to myself. I'm calmer at night, there is no-one to upset me and I can be alone with my thoughts, although that is not always a good thing. It gives me time to dwell on whatever it is that is troubling me.

Today and for the last few days I've been thinking of returning to Perth where my family is, I have a plan and in my mind it will work. Move in with my Mum and her husband, the boys can go to the school just around the corner, I will be a great Mum and spend loads more time with them, I will have time to do my craft and makes heaps of money selling what I make at the local markets, I will have heaps of time to catch up with old friends. The boys will see their cousins and the rest of the family so much more. The reason I want to move is I'm feeling so lonely where we live now, we aren't making much money, I can't see us being able to buy a property and live our dream. If we moved in with Mum we could save money and hopefully be able to buy some property in a couple of years. I think it's a good plan. No-one else knows about the plan except for TH (the husband), yesterday I told him I want to move back to Perth at the end of the year when the boys finish school. It's a good plan, it could work, maybe...


I'm a visual person so I plan to put three images at the end of each post -
one that says how I feel, one that inspires me to keep going and one picture or photo that makes me happy.

So there is my first post, I hope to blog daily so that I can keep a track of my moods and to help me remember what happens on a daily basis because there is so much that I forget and sometimes forgetting is good but sometimes I need to remember.